Poor Sean. He's getting quite beat-up, emotionally. :( And I have a bad feeling about Harry and his coffin-related inspiration... and Viggo going back on his own. We shall see.
I had to grin a bit at the reference to the Mortensen family being Irish... Obviously a carry-over from the original. :)
I have to admit that the time flow in the chapter seemed... off. This was mostly due to the ending scene, I feel. We have the bulk of the chapter focused on Sean, time passes and ends with Sean discovering that Viggo had left his parents' mansion and returned to Wilkes-Barre. Then there's the scene with Harry, which can easily fit in around the time of the last scene with Sean.
But then you jump to days earlier and have a scene with Viggo at his parents' home. The scene itself worked well as a unit (wonderful emotions here), but in the flow of the chapter it just didn't fit (to me). You worked up to the issue of having Viggo missing (in a sense), only to flash back to him being (relatively) fine for a short scene. This scene seems better suited to be part of a Viggo-POV chapter after this one that leads up to him deciding to go home. Or perhaps even a flashback he remembers later on, if the next chapter wouldn't work from his POV.
Granted, this is just my opinion, and I haven't seen the rest of the chapters, so this may end up being the best place for that scene, after all.
Everything else was wonderful, though. :)
Edit: Another way that end scene could work better, I feel, is if it actually showed Viggo leave the mansion. As it stands, the "Sean-storyline" (what the story details about Sean) has Viggo already gone (and apparently after a not-so-nice parting, as his parents' mood alludes to), while, on the other hand, the "Viggo-storyline" stops simply with him still at the mansion and at the beginning of being on the outs with his parents. There's not even a hint of him going back to Wilkes-Barre. So the skip back in time, as it stands, sets off the time balance, I think.
Yes, I felt compelled to come back and give more two cents, as this idea was really biting at me. Interrupted my cleaning, it did. :) I'm probably over-analyzing, but I don't often find a story where I feel the need to do so (which means I'm deep enough in the reading here to think about it in such detail). I also hope I didn't repeat myself too much in the edit. :)
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Date: 2013-04-27 05:37 pm (UTC)I had to grin a bit at the reference to the Mortensen family being Irish... Obviously a carry-over from the original. :)
I have to admit that the time flow in the chapter seemed... off. This was mostly due to the ending scene, I feel. We have the bulk of the chapter focused on Sean, time passes and ends with Sean discovering that Viggo had left his parents' mansion and returned to Wilkes-Barre. Then there's the scene with Harry, which can easily fit in around the time of the last scene with Sean.
But then you jump to days earlier and have a scene with Viggo at his parents' home. The scene itself worked well as a unit (wonderful emotions here), but in the flow of the chapter it just didn't fit (to me). You worked up to the issue of having Viggo missing (in a sense), only to flash back to him being (relatively) fine for a short scene. This scene seems better suited to be part of a Viggo-POV chapter after this one that leads up to him deciding to go home. Or perhaps even a flashback he remembers later on, if the next chapter wouldn't work from his POV.
Granted, this is just my opinion, and I haven't seen the rest of the chapters, so this may end up being the best place for that scene, after all.
Everything else was wonderful, though. :)
Edit: Another way that end scene could work better, I feel, is if it actually showed Viggo leave the mansion. As it stands, the "Sean-storyline" (what the story details about Sean) has Viggo already gone (and apparently after a not-so-nice parting, as his parents' mood alludes to), while, on the other hand, the "Viggo-storyline" stops simply with him still at the mansion and at the beginning of being on the outs with his parents. There's not even a hint of him going back to Wilkes-Barre. So the skip back in time, as it stands, sets off the time balance, I think.
Yes, I felt compelled to come back and give more two cents, as this idea was really biting at me. Interrupted my cleaning, it did. :) I'm probably over-analyzing, but I don't often find a story where I feel the need to do so (which means I'm deep enough in the reading here to think about it in such detail). I also hope I didn't repeat myself too much in the edit. :)